bakit?

bakit may ibang tao na mas gustong idaan sa galit ang pag-alala? di ko maintindihan, at di ko pa kayang tanggapin.

nakita ko ang dapat ay regalo mo para sa akin. kung sana niyakap mo ako ng buong puso at pag-unawa noong panahon na kinakailangan kita, sana’y may konting ginhawa sa aking dibdib sa mga panahon na ‘to.

nakita ko ang mga larawan. masakit pero huli na ang lahat. yung pinaglalaanan mo, ngayon ay wala na - ni hindi man lang nakaranas ng konting pagmamahal at pagtatangi mula sa’yo.

kaya sa muli, gusto kong itanong, “bakit kailangan idaan sa galit ang iyong pag-alala?”

….

Hope you’re flying steadily to heaven, Baby. Mommy and Daddy are taking baby steps to face a life without you. Even though Mommy is in physical pain, I’m welcoming it to somehow take away my mind from the pain that this emptiness is giving me.

I miss feeling you, Baby. Daddy kanina unconsciously wrapped his arms around you. Thank God that I’m so drained that all I could not feel anything.

I’m still looking for reasons why we had to lose you, Baby. Coz I really can’t understand. And I need to understand… I need to understand in order for me to let go and go on with life.

I love you, Baby. We love you. Have a safe trip to heaven. And be the best guardian angel there.

Love lots,

Mommy Arte

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Lord, alam ko may rason ang lahat ng ‘to. Ilang beses na din na sinabi sa akin ’to. Pero bakit wala akong makita? Bakit puro kalungkutan lang?

Akala ko, matapang ako. Na matibay, na matigas. Bakit di umuubra ngayon? Pagod na pagod na ako, sa kakaiyak, sa pagiging malungkot. Pinipilit ko naman na maging masaya. Pero bakit parang habang pinipilit ko, lalong lumalayo. Pinipilit ko naman na limutin ung masakit na pangyayaring un, pero bakit habang lalo kong pinipilit, lalong kumakatok sa harapan ko ang sakit?

May nagsabi sa akin, let go of anger, and its easier daw for me to move on. I am trying! Pero sa inaraw araw na ginawa Mo, lagi nilang pinaparamdam ang pagbabalewala sa akin at sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. I was not asking for pity, I was asking for understanding.

Please Lord, tulungan Mo po ako na magising at kumilos ng naaayon sa ’yong aral. Tulungan Mo po ako para magpursige na makawala sa kinasasadlakan ko ngayon.

Nagmamakaawa po ako, sana, sana hilumin mo ang mga sugat sa puso ko at sa lahat ng tao na nakapaligid sa akin, para maangkin namin ang kapayapaan na dulot ng pagpapatawad at pagmamahal.     

it’s over…

We fought a good fight, Baby. Siguro nga, hanggang dito na lang pagsasama natin. Mommy’s still in shock, I really can’t think straight. Just help me let go, Baby. Just help me let go. I know heaven’s a better place than your Mommy’s tummy. But we were still hoping that we could actually hold you.

I hope you’d come and visit me even in my sleep, Baby. mommy’s in too much pain, and to see you actually enjoying your stint as a guardian angel to all of us would be a good start to go on with life. One day, Mommy will learn to genuinely smile again. But for now, as you’re still here in my tummy, forgive Mommy and Daddy for crying. It’s just that we love you so much. And we we’re really waiting for you.

I hope you get to read these letters in heaven. Though I bet you already knew them coz I have read it to you already. Tell your friends up there that your Mom and Dad loves you so much. And that Grandma and Grandpa, Mama and Papa, Tita and Tito were actually waiting for you.

I can still feel you, Baby Gil. And I can feel Daddy’s tears again even when he’s already sleeping. Kiss him, Baby. And kiss his armpits, like you always want to do.

Love lots,

Mommy Arte

the agony of waiting

Dear Baby,

Mommy’s waiting for Daddy’s text. He will schedule us to your doctor again. I’m so restless, the room’s so clean already. Daddy will be so proud of us.

We had a great weekend, right?! I know, even if Mommy’s so sick, you enjoyed the attention from your Grandma and Titas. I know that you were so happy when Grandma said goodnight and touched you. I know, you were kinda sad when you saw Grandma’s tears. I was also so sad Baby, coz I really want to give her peace of mind, especially now that your Grandpa’s not with her. Her tears reminded me of your Daddy crying. And you know how painful that was, right? To see your very macho and tough Daddy crying. And we don’t want to see that again, di ba Baby?!

That’s why I’m asking you, Baby, to show your self later. We will take your picture and send it to Grandma and Grandpa. And that will be the best birthday gift that Grandma will receive on her birthday, right?! Maybe your soon-to-be-born cousin would kiss you and wake you up later, eh?!

Baby, you saw the new milk that Daddy bought for us? He said it’s yummier than the previous one we’re drinking. Makes me think, “How did he knew its yummier?!” hhhmmm… Anyway, let’s not let him down today, okay? For the past few days since we knew we had you, Daddy did all the preparation of your food, of your milk, even if you always have this weird mannerism of getting hungry during wee hours… Let’s do this for your Daddy, and Grandma, and Grandpa, and Titas, and your Ninangs and Ninongs.

I’m scared, Baby. Just give me a reason to go on fighting. And I know I am blabbing again, but I am so restless, it’s making me sick. Just please, please hear our prayers. Remember what Daddy Mangot told you this morning, “Laro ka lang dyan Baby ha? Basta pakita ka mamaya kay Dra. Para may pang birthday gift tayo kay Grandma.”

I love you, Baby. We love you. And we can’t wait to see you and to actually hold you in our arms.

Love lots,

Mommy Arte              

a plea

a prayer, a plea… whatever you call it. isa lang ang gusto ko, ang ninanais ko, ang dinggin sya. 

Dear Baby,

Even after a day of your 1st check-up, Mommy is still in shock. I guess you were too shy to show yourself yesterday. Your doctor told me to see her again after a week. And as I try to remember her face while explaining your condition, I can’t help but succumb to the fear of the unknown.

After 5 minutes of trying to locate your heartbeat, I finally closed my eyes and hope against hope that it was just a bad dream. I took the risk of looking at your daddy, and he was there in the corner, with his crinkled forehead, his “mangot” mode, trying desperately to listen to that distinctive sound. My heart was clutched in a cold, never-before-known fear. I tried hard not to cry. As I listen to the recommendation for that another test to perform, my brain’s silently praying.

As we walk out that door, heading for that another test, Daddy Mangot hugged me tight, and asked “What was that?” It took superhuman effort not to give in to the urge to just break down and cry. As I tried to relay what your doctor told me, I was also trying to understand what it all meant. I was shivering badly.

Lying in that small room, wincing in pain as the equipment work its way to look at you, I’m earnestly praying to Him. And I was pleading with you. With her explanation, I thought I was dying. I can’t believe that such possibility could happen to me, to you.

Daddy Mangot looked at me. And I begged him to talk to you.

I know it was a difficult week. But I hope you’re not taking it against us. I promise I will drink that milk that your Daddy Mangot prepares for us; I will eat all those fruits that he requires me to eat; I will eat all those vegetables that I always see in my plate (even if it’s ampalaya); and above all, I will take all those walking session with your Daddy. But please, please let us hear your heartbeat. Show us your face.

I promise you, everything will be alright. Things will fall into its place and Mommy will learn to genuinely smile again. Just give us that sign that you’re alright and safe.

Mommy and Daddy is so excited to see you. Daddy is preparing your playpen. So please, please heed our call.

We love you baby. We do. We can’t wait to actually see you and to actually hold you in our arms.

Love,

Mommy Arte

I truly hope that He hears this. But for now, all we could do is wait and pray.  

i’m really really REALLY having a bad bad week

WARNING: the content of this entry might be PURE whining (baka nga di might eh, THIS entry is a whiner)…

as posted in my FB, i really wanna sing (to the high heavens above, seriously) “this week’s gonna be a good week.” parang mantra lang ba. as in… kaso ang hirap hirap naman na kantahin to kung patuloy naman tinetest ang pasensya ko. i know i’m kinda irritable these past few days but OA naman yung eeffort pa ang isang tao to really pick on you.

lost atm, disallowed over-the-counter withdrawal, dreaded asthma attack, needles and injections and all sharp objects, missing messenger, “strangers”, pimple attack and pimple prickler, defective FB/net connection, illogical rules and regulations… lahat na, sabay sabay silang sumanib sa week na to. and what, we’re only half-way through it (can’t imagine what will happen in the next 5 days). and i’m really really pagod na. seryoso.

ayaw ko ng ganitong feeling. ang bigat bigat. and just as i thought, may kasunod na akong katangahan na ginawa.. i left my phone. my gosh!!! my effing phone. and my comb! kamusta naman ang buhok ko na may sariling buhay?!?!

Bro naman, hinay hinay lang po. di na po kaya ng iyong abang lingkod. ang baga, remember!

on getting stranded

una sa lahat, gusto ko lang batiin ang sarili ko ng “maligayang pagbabalik!” almost a month na ata akong namahinga sa mundo ng mga blogista. pero ngaun, dahil alas 7 pa lang ay nandito na ako sa office (at masyado akong nagmaganda at tinapos ko na ang TAMBAK na trabaho), naisipan ko na bumisita sa aking espasyo (pasok, ronda patrol! hehe.. ).

sa nagdaang mga araw, madaming kakaibang pangyayari ang dumating sa buhay ko. isa na jan ang pag-uwi ko sa aming munting kabukiran (ahihihi! inangkin ng bongga eh! ) na may dalang grasya, este, isang nilalang na malakas ang loob na sumama sa amin. hehe (enter kilig giggle here)! anyway, kaya kami napauwi eh dahil na din sa kaarawan ng aking father earth na sadya namin pinasama ang loob for 2weeks - sa pamamagitan ng di pagsagot sa texts and calls nya at ang pagddrama na nakalimutan kung ano ang meron sa aug. 23-, para mas effective ang aming “tsuprise” beeday parteeh! in fairness, nakita naman namin na natuwa ang aking ama ng inambush namin sha - sa firing range. at dahil andun na ang pagkakataon, eh di nagfiring na din kami. hehe! 1st time ko na pumutok and the adrenaline rush, OA! at dahil sa OA na adrenaline rush na yan, naipit pa tuloy ako at duguan na naman (na pinatibay naman ang loob ko sa pagsabi na “badge of courage and bravery” naman ang sugat at dugo na un; which is pinaniwalaan ko din naman. hehe! ). at ang isa pa sa pinakapanalo sa lahat ay ang pagrenta ng isang DAMBUHALANG videoke machine. dambuhala kasi kinakailangan pa shang bitbitin ng 6 na mama (as in mama talaga) para lang maipasok sa bahay. at sympre, ang kainan portion na talaga namang inaabangan ng lahat. hehe! at sympre, pagkatapos akong/kaming patikimin ng sarap at kaligayahan, kalungkutan naman ang sumunod dahil uwian time na. oh well, hintay ulit ng pagkakataon na makauwi. hahay!

at dahil uwian na nga, balik trabaho na naman. at muli na naman akong napadeport sa baguio ng isang linggo. at sa (katangahan) katalinuhan ko, sa lahat ng pwede kong maiwan eh ung jacket ko pa. kamusta naman ang baga ko. ;) hehe!

at opkors, dito na po magsisimula ang kwentong “stranded” - ang aking paglalakbay ddduuunnn pa sa dakong norte (sana may isang malaking smiley icon here, para un ang aking ilalagay. pero wala eh, so ngiting simple na lang). the trip there was nerve-wracking as i dnt know what to expect. yeah, i’ve met “them” and actually “hang-out” with them several times but to actually share one roof with them… hhmmm. but apparently, my “fear” was unnecessary. they were as warm as ever. and my fave part was when one uncle called me by “that” name. haha! honestly, it was funny (and tita, thanks for the blouse. )! the trip gave me my several firsts; first traditional/cultural wedding, first rice-wine drinking spree, walkathon sa gitna ng palayan, “hill”-climbing, duck-eating, at madaming madami pang first. but ang pinaka-”memorable” sa mga first na yan ay ang pagiging stranded at ang magstay sa bus ng bonggang bongga habang tinatanaw ang napakahabang pila ng buses, trucks, at kung ano2x pa. at habang tinatanaw ko sila ay naisip ko, “kamusta naman ang opisina, malamang umiikot na mga utak ng mga tao na nandun dahil sa kinasasadlakan ko.”

at sa muli, naisip ko, dapat di na lang kami nagpumilit na bumiyahe pa-Manila. parang ganun din naman. at least kung nagstay pa kami, yumaman pa ng konti ang isawan dun dahil para akong hayuk na nilalang na ngayon lang nakatikim ng isaw.

now i’m back. and i’m forced to face the piles of “mess” i’ve left behind. hehe! at isa na dun ang hinayupak na photo recovery program na yan. so please, kung may nagbabasa po ng blog ko na medyo techie, pahingi naman ng full version ng PixRecovery (sa totoo lang, nagmamakaawa ako). hehe! tsalamat!

at dito na muna magtatapos ang aking kwento. bilang balik sa pagiging empleyada ang inyong abang may-akda.

alone - sa petsa na 11

not that i’m super bothered. actually, mas bothered pa yung taong nagpaalala sa akin na 11 pala today. oh well… guess i have to be alone on this day.  

and what better thing to do when you’re alone?! eh di surf the net! kahit na OA naman sa bagal ang connection ko for the past few days, eh okay lang. i’m currently updating my FB account and then i came across this pic of me and my fwends taken last August 9, 2009 at Jollibee, Don Antonio, Q.C. sheer happiness and uberly blessed. to Gogolosh, thankies so mucho for the opportunity to come as one, to give back to our young friends - and for making each of us feel that truly, we are blessed, in so many ways.

frustrated pole dancer AC, blessed noelle, extra piglet aka duchess, teacher nheng, super duper mega uber super fwend che, ultra glam gal amae, and happy gny

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“hard to let go of the wall; beautifully and carefully constructed to withstand storms; to guard the fortress from the enemies that want nothing but to bring you down on your knees; but then something came along - stronger than any machine on Earth; and all it took was a simple and gentle touch, and the wall - the indestructable wall - began to crack.” - wallcracker09

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paano ka ba magpapasalamat sa mga ngiti na ibinibigay para simulan ang isang bagong umaga? o sa mga titig at nangungusap na mata na nagsasabing “dito lang ako, at iniisip kita.”? o sa mga malalakas na brasong kayang umakay sa gitna ng baha at sumangga sa mga pana na nais pumukol sayo? o sa mga kamay na laging nakaalalay sa bawat pagtawid sa masalimuot na daan? o sa katahimikan na ibinibigay para lamang humupa ang mga rumaragasang emosyon na bumabalot sa buong pagkatao ng isang nilalang? paano nga ba?!

Charity Charity Charity : Isang Hirit Bago -splak-

hihirit lang muna ako ng isa.

sa totoo lang, pagod na pagod na ako at antok na antok bilang para akong trumpo ngayong araw na to. pero hindi ko pwedeng palagpasin ang moment na ’to. gusto ko lang ishare - NAKADAUPANG PALAD KO NA SI CHARITY! at sobrang nakakatuwa. iba ang feeling talaga pag nakita at nakasama mo si charity.

ngunit, sino nga ba si CHARITY?! ang daming naghihintay… so ito na, ito na si charity…… (drum roll please…)

pinagtagni-tagning pangyayari

 sa sobrang busy ng nakaraan na araw, di ko namalayan na tapos na ang unang linggo ng agosto. madaming bagay ang nangyari at nagdaan… may nakakalungkot, may nakakatuwa… may nakakaasar, may nakakataba ng puso…

1st stop, august 1. sa araw na ‘to, ginugunita ng pamilya ko ang kaarawan ng aming bunso, ang aming “baby” (a term he really hates to hear. hehe! ), ang aming nag-iisang “baby” boy, si Francis Augustos (haha! antot! ) aka Dandie. nung baby pa shang literal (18yrs ago. ), napakacharming at napacute nyang nilalang. maputi, ang kinis ng kutis at ang ganda ng hurr. ewan ko ba kung bakit naging mamaw bigla to. haha! anyway, labyu, baby! ate’s coming home, very very soon! can’t wait to hug and kiss and do “kiliti” session with my baby boy again.

sa araw din na ito, burtday din ng aking fwend na si anna banana. and pasensya na tsong, kung di ako nakapunta sa “Isip Bata” event, alam mo naman kung bakit. at bilang isa ding dakila at ulirang (naks! ) empleyado, work first before pleasure ang drama ko nung araw ng Isip Bata. Anyway, I know you guys had a blast (naman, kelan ba hindi, di ba?! ). From the bottom of my puso (ahihihi!), happy happy happy birthday! May He continue to bless you (and your family). At sana, eh may dumating ng mag-aalaga sayo at di yung ikaw ang nag-aalaga lagi (amae, sounds familiar ba!? ). At naman ha! napakasaya nga naman ng gabing iyon, punong puno ng mga eXs. San na si Y at si Z? hehe! labyah tsongs (ccchhheeessssyyyy!!!!!).

at syempre, birthday ng bago kong kaibigan. i had fun, and salamat sa inyo (kilala nyo na kung sino kayo. ) for making me feel comfortable, at sa pagwelcome sa akin sa inyong tahanan.

Familia Zaragoza 2.0

The girls with the birthday girl

Asst. ng Chef, kaya oiliness to the nth level.

(at sympre, ang araw na ito din ang kamatayan ng ating Yellow Lady. May she rest in peace. )

As usual, ang weekdays ko ay punong puno. Literal na nasa pantry na ako nagoopisina para lang makapagconcentrate at wala ng tayuan. hehe!

at syempre, ang aking pinakaaabangan (aside from birthday ng aking minamahal na pinsan/inaanak at ng aking favorite na tito, Kuya Varil), ay ang aming pagsasama ni “Charity.” Hehehe! kaya ito naman, todo kayod ako sa pangangalap ng funds. ahihihi! so far, ito na ang bunga ng aking mga (pang-haharass) pangungulit. hihi!

ang saya! di ko mapigilan na mapangiti habang naglalaro sa isipan ko ang paggrocery ko pa ulit para kay “Charity.”

tuloy, naalala ko ang mga “anak” ko sa tandang sora. mga batang paslit na tumatawag sa akin ng “mama.” hehe! ang saya! miss ko na ang aking 2 supling. hmmm… makabisita nga.